The Five Stages Of Owning A Dog (thus far)


 

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Five Stages:

1. Anticipation

You are finally ready to expand your family. Because real children are still terrifying and far off, you have decided as a couple that these fuzzy, four legged creatures are where it’s at. You watch every dog training YouTube video. You read every article. You research every canine product known to man. You’re in this together! You will both make the BEST dog parents. This will bring you closer as a couple! Will the dog like you? Of course it will! Everything will be perfect, silly! Puppies are Animal-Angels! You’ve got this! Unicorns are also real!

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2. Smitten

You hunker down beside the 6-inch-tall, fuzzled ball of bounce. You. Can’t. Even. The shelter employee says “if you guys want to take some time to decide – let me know if” – “OH WE DON’T NEED TIME WE’LL TAKE HIM!!!!” Your voice cuts in – shrieking and echoing in the peaceful room. Out of the corner of your eye you are vaguely aware that your husband has gone white and hit the floor in a dead faint but you are far too concerned with your precious bundle burrowing into your lap. Kevin will regain consciousness eventually – widdle, baby puppy won’t be burrowing SO adorably forever.

Priorities. Check.

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3. Stressed

So it turns out the research was right. Your puppy needs order, restrictions, boundaries, training, consistency and all that good stuff. It also turns out that puppies don’t respond to pleading English sentences, curse words, yelling or weeping. For the first few months – it’s a toss up. Who will come out victorious? You? Your partner? Or your pup who has morphed into the cutest hellion you’ve ever encountered. You spend the next months stressing, training, worrying, doting, wondering, re-thinking and freaking-the-eff-out and thankingthelord your pup is so adorable because he might not be alive if he wasn’t.

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4. Suspicious

You make it past the first few months. You’ve survived. You’ve established dominance – you think. You’re pretty sure. You know for a fact they view your husband as a chew-toy but you? You’re top dog. You are like… 90% sure… but are they just messing with you? You are positive you are most dominant until one of them swipes a steak during Mother’s Day dinner. You are confident they respect you until you are made to act like a complete idiot as you DEMAND that they DO NOT roll in the human feces. NOOOO! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YOU LITTLE – AUGHHHHH &*$%@$#$% DEVIL CHILDREN! WHY?!!! Their happy expressions begin to terrify you.

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5. Insurmountable Affection

The happy place (and by happy place – you mean cuddle place). The cuddles are endless. The cozies are bottomless. The kisses are… ok – well the kisses are out of control (work in progress). The best part of your day = when you hear the tick, tick, tick of eight paws sneaking their way into your bedroom. The moment when two sets of eyes settle themselves on the edge of your bed. When you pretend to not notice (establishing dominance remember). When you sneak a peak and your heart puddles into your stomach. That time when you pat the bed and your two buddies leap up and snuggle into your side. When you are all drifting off to sleep… When your husband comes home from hockey and all. hell. breaks. loose. There ain’t nothing like it.

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