Oh. Sweet. Mother.
Whatever did we do to deserve The Bachelor/Bachelorette? Somewhere between the creation of mankind and present day we did something right and have been blessed with this incredible gift.
I was late to The Bachelor game. Like… roughly 20 years late. I was a judger, an eye-roller and an all around hater. That is… until I saw the light. The glorious, platinum, sparkly, sequencey light that is The Bachelor Nation. My sister, wiser and older than me, led me gloriously astray last year and I haven’t looked back since. We gather together on those sacred evenings and watch – with baited breath – as young men and women navigate an epic journey to find love. A bachelor (a scorned lover from a previous season)… dozens of women (careers ranging from ‘twin’ to ‘makeup’)… degrading games and challenges to ‘show off their silly sides and showcase their personalities’… and gripping flower ceremonies where the heels, push-up bras and claws come out to play – a solid recipe for visual and mental stimulation. Well, that and a couch – coupled with many cocktails 👌🏻
Season 20 Episode 2
In this season of The Bachelor – we have Ben Higgins, a lovable 7 year-old with exactly 6 facial hairs from Colorado. He is charming, tall, dark, handsome and navigating puberty like a champ. In this nail-biting episode (week two of this season), Ben put his future brides through a series of scintillating challenges that showcased their intellectual, physical and emotional skills and then said goodbye to 7 of the 28 women vying for his heart (or eye-contact).
The Overview: I’m just going to cut straight to the juicy stuff ladies. Our beautiful and capable Bachelor drove a car in this episode. I repeat – he drove an ACTUAL car WHILE a female with breasts sat in the front seat twirling her hair. The gasps of desire were audible and the underpants dropped the moment he started that engine. And rightly so, because let’s face it – a man (man-child samesame) who can sit and operate a motor vehicle? That is the man who will provide for you, please you, support you, father your children, be faithful to you, encourage you and challenge you. It’s just science. If you ever are so fortunate to see such a man – approach and propose to HIM. Chemistry? Values? Character? Personality? Only control freaks stress about such trivial things. Forget about that stuff and focus on what truly matters. Does he look good behind the wheel? Can he rev an engine? You stick with that and you won’t be able to help but have a successful marriage!
On top of the Oscar winning ‘Ben drives a car’ sequence, 28 women go on to state that they have never been this happy before in their lives and they knew as soon as they saw him that Ben was going to be their husband. Let me just take a moment to express how tickled I am for these gals. They have just met a stranger, been corralled into a home with 27 other women and get 3.56 minutes of alone time with their future husband each day. For this to be the highlight of their lives? It brings tears to my eyes. I wonder what sort of harrowing, horrific, feral lives they lead previous to coming on this show…
Bottom line: Everyone who lays eyes on our Bachelor is on Cloud Nine. Except for Lace. She ain’t on Cloud Nine. And she’s pissed.
The Drama: Who doesn’t love a gal who refers to herself in the third person? Nobody. That’s who. There ain’t nothing terrifying or frightening about a gal named after fabric forcing herself into your personal space, reaming you out for not looking her in the eyeballs and confiding she’s falling in love with you while simultaneously telling you this is a version of herself she never wanted you to see. Relationship nugget: dropping the words ‘crazy’, ‘I’m not crazy’, ‘do you think I’m crazy’ 60 times within your first moments of meeting your future husband is a tasteful, sure-fire way to win his trust and affection. Keep your eyes on Lace ladies, she’s got game.
The Highlight: Dr. Love and his Love Lab. What tests compatibility more than exerting yourself to a healthy glow and then getting sniffed over and scored by your husband-to-be? Because who would EVER want to get shackled to someone who doesn’t smell like roses and butterfly wings when they work out!? I can’t believe I just waltzed into my relationship with zero sniffs to my mate’s damp armpits – like a total idiot. If I do it over – I won’t make the same mistake twice.
What we take away:
💡Future wives smell sweet like passion fruit and raspberries when they perspire.
💡Relationships not based in a steadfast foundation of sweat and pungent aromas are doomed (example: if your sweat smells like sweat – you will never marry).
Looking forward to Episode 3 😘