Flight! Cankles! Tears! And self doubt! The Bachelor never disappoints.
A scintillating episode to be sureeeee. For starters, Ben is handsome in powder blue and he drove a car – AGAIN! SQUEAAAALLLLLLLLLL* If you are a female, you probably weren’t able to concentrate on anything else the entire episode… which is why this overview will be so helpful for you! This segment was particularly original as Ben took his two one-on-one dates on extremely unique excursions. He and Lauren B headed off in a flying machine (where her fears and screams were soothed by Ben’s muscles and tongue – what was her occupation?… oh right, Flight Attendant), stripped into their skivvies for some intimate hot-tubbing (just them and a modest film crew of 200), and finished with dinner/dancing to live music. Adorable. Next up, Jubilee is whisked away in a flying machine (also terrified), brought to a castle spa where they chill out in the hot tub, and then finish with… dinner/dancing – to live music. If the date ain’t broke… don’t fix it is what I always say.
The group date consisted of a riveting game of soccer where the girls were pitted against each other in order to win time with Ben. The girls almost didn’t make it through the game as when they walked out onto the pitch they were almost incapacitated by the fact that he was a) wearing blue b) had eyes and c) had legs. The tears were flowing by the end of the game as one group was sent packing and the others continued on to a cocktail party with our hunk, The Bachelor.
Ahhhhh Olivia. Olivia – the cankly, ‘aggressive’ bachelorette with bad toes. It wouldn’t be a girls gathering without talking behind SOMEONE’S back (amiright ladies?). Just as slumber parties consist of naked pillow fights – a gathering is not complete without hair braiding and picking one girl to rip to shreds when she’s out of ear shot.
In the book ‘A Girls Guide to Being a Girl and Other Beautiful and Delicate Stories’ written by Jack Samson – chapter 340 highlights the ‘Two-Faced Pick-Apart’:
- Focus on criticizing and destroying any/all physical features of the subject (remember: beauty is a threat).
- Decide as a group what personality trait you are personally most insecure about and project all your issues onto the subject.
- Call the subject ‘aggressive’. You don’t like the way she says ‘hello’? Aggressive. Her eyeliner is perfect? Aggressive. She’s able to do what you secretly wish you had the balls to do? Intimidating AND aggressive.
- Be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY nice to the subject and make them think you are a civil, open and reasonable human being. When they walk out of ear-shot – BAM – repeat steps 1-3.
These chicks have all read the book and performed admirably. What we were not expecting was Olivia’s fame to take a back seat to her cankles (or was it bad toes…). Apparently people have written blogs about ‘dem cankles and they are a pure source of creative juices. My lord, even as I type I realize what an effect a good cankle can have on the world and I salute you cankles. I thank you for providing such sweet, sweet fodder.
When Amber takes it upon herself to give Jubilee what-for in front of our Bachelor. The whining, the complaining, the crying, the foot-in-mouth bit… all gold.
Inspirational body tattoos that perfectly describe why you have to leave the show before getting rejected. Lace held the audience captivated as she tearfully led Ben aside at the rose ceremony.
“I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I have a lot more to offer…
Like my tattoo says
– you can’t love before you love yourself.”
May your body ink guide you in your future reality TV shows Lace – you will be missed.
What we take away:
💡 “Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms”. Which seems obvious (what else do wives do?).
💡 Fact: when there is more than 1 vagina in a general area – science happens and we turn into insane creatures. Something to do with our ovaries getting in the way and we just black out. There is a reason women aren’t typically in power (aside from all the synced menstrual cycles) – it is because we are a danger to society. Thanks to shows like The Bachelor – young women are able to participate in worthwhile activities while being supervised at all times in a fun and controlled environment.
💡 If you are sent off The Bachelor – a cat is the only love story you have to look forward to.
Ahhhh Bachelor, you’ve done it again. Come onnnnnn week 4! 😘