The Bachelor. A glittery show made up of dozens of bachelorettes from heaven, hell, and funny farms, a handsome bachelor determined to find his mate and all the tears, spray tans and misguided attitudes one can tolerate before vomiting into one’s own shoes.
The Bachelor Season 20 Episode 5… The Summary.
Ben and ladies are in Mexico! In this titillating episode, Amanda-The-Mom opens up the show by receiving the one-on-one date. Not one to pass up an opportunity to point out the obvious – Olivia breaks it down for us.
Olivia: I’m just surprised that Amanda got the date… Because she has children.
Pfffftttt. Preach it girl. This IS surprising. Disgraceful even. Once babies come out – I thought women were used for functional purposes (milking and diaper changing) only. It’s wildly unfair that Amanda has access to some crazy voodoo that got her on the show AND made her ‘momness’ attractive to Ben. Next thing you know, she’ll be tricking him into thinking she’s intelligent and more than ‘just a mom’. Straight up dangerous. You had your chance at happiness, Amanda and you blew it. Step aside and let the Barbies through.
In order to try and catch a glimpse of his dolls without their face paint – Benjamin sneaks into the girlies bed chambers for a 4:20 AM wake up call. Ben breathes an audible sigh of relief when he rouses his date and sees that she is still beautiful (and apparently onto him as she sits up with perfect waves and fresh makeup). True to bachelorette form, Amanda is super nervous to go and be alive with Ben. She conquers her fear just in time to take a hot air balloon up into the sunrise. Their date continues with dinner and classic, bachelor dinner conversation:
Ben: You are really pretty – how are you still single?
Amanda: Well, like, um, like I just like, didn`t, like, you know like, plan on, like, like being, like a single, like, like a single mom, like, like, like, like, like, likelikelikelikelikelikelikelikelike——–
*they had to cut the show to change her batteries.
The episode progresses on to the group date! Huzzah! The crew of ladies and B take a speedy Spanish lesson and then have to take turns professing their Spanish love to Ben in front of the class. Jubilee throws some serious shade B’s way when her turn comes around – on the grounds that this exercise is impersonal and he’s doing the same thing with every girl. I’m sorry sweetie… can we just quickly remind ourselves what show we are on?
The group date continues with the wifeys finally getting to shine in their rightful place – the kitchen (sometimes I get nervous seeing these girls experience things outside of their feminine realm – learning new languages? Playing sports? Shudder*… it is just so calming to see them in aprons, stirring something and looking pretty). They break into teams of two for a cooking challenge. Olivia and Jubilee nearly take it to the streets over an opportunity to snag Ben as a partner – until Olivia opens her mouth really, really wide and Jubilee – afraid of being swallowed and missing out on her 15 minutes of fame, picks a new partner.
One of the 15 Lauren’s is the lucky recipient of the final one-on-one date. Ben takes her to a clothing store where find out they will be participating in a runway show during Fashion Week. They do. They do good walking. Ben tells Lauren H he had a fun day. Lauren H can die happy.
When Ben finds a shred of his personality and votes Jubilee off the island. Pretty much up until this point – Ben has been a dull, mildly flirty, vague shell of an individual. Props for having an opinion, Bro. Chick don’t hold hands? She out.
Jubilee thanks Ben for dumping her and of course – reminds herself that she is the most unlovable person in the world right now.
It’s Olivia. Duh. This girl IS the drama until the day she leaves (kicking and screaming I’m sure). Olivia continues to make close friends by insulting Amanda – comparing the mom’s life to an episode of Teen Mom – offending everyone (whattttt? This isn’t a compliment?). This brilliant comment is the straw that breaks the camel’s back – bringing everyone to tears, confessions, honest truths and tattle-telling. The SHOW couldn’t even handle this shit-storm and had to take a time-out until next week.
To BE CONTINUED….
What we take away:
💡 Moms are the worst. Having a child (don’t get me started on MULTIPLE children) is your ticket to a loveless, partner-less existence. You have NO business trying to a) find happiness b) look prettier than non-moms c) be on TV.