The Bachelor. A glittery show made up of dozens of bachelorettes from heaven, hell, and funny farms, a handsome bachelor determined to find his mate and all the tears, spray tans and misguided attitudes one can tolerate before vomiting into one’s own shoes.
The Bachelor Season 20 Week 7… The Summary.
The crew goes to Iowa! This episode opens with Ben driving his car (obvs) and waving at all his imaginary friends as he is filmed touring his hometown (he’s just so playful!). Lauren B is chosen for the first one on one date with B and she is all like ‘Ooohhhhmeeeeegasssshhhhh – Beeeennnnnnnn, what are wee doiinnggggggg?’ (and she just gets cuter and cuter the more she says it).
This was the most dangerous episode to date. Our Bachelor, Benny-Bee-Boppin-Higgins was observed (by a woman with ovaries) hanging out with children. I repeat – the Bachelor came into close proximity to the tiny humans. While most everone knows standing near a child is the universal sign for ‘Beyond Prepared and Perfect for Fatherhood’ – Lauren B has been raised to think that only women spent time around children and her baby-making parts straight-up exploded. The pair participated in a local community program where Ben proved just how ready he was for parenthood by:
- Talking to children
- Sitting beside one
- Throwing a basketball
- Making out with Lauren B
- Being famous
I know those were the boxes I ticked when shopping for the potential father of my children… I’m just thrilled and relieved that my values align with The Bachelor.
Ben romances JoJo on the second one-on-one with an empty stadium and empty promises (they wear jerseys with Mr & Mrs Higgins plastered on the back). Just as baseball is the most entertaining and face-paced sport in the world, this date was epic and full of scintillating material.
When The Bachelor made billions on a deal with McDonalds.
Caila, Becca and Amanda all practice their resting-bitch-face in their limo while en route to their group date with B. Turns out, this is a blessing in disguise for Becca and Caila as they have this face on hand when they are nudged out of the date when McRomance sweeps his darling Amanda off her feet with a McSexy meal and McFabulous time… working the McD’s drive through. Amanda utilizes this time to really bring home her ‘pretty-bachelorette-with-kids-who-will-almost-win-Ben’s-heart-but-wont’ role. She powerfully explains that although she has never introduced her children to anyone she has dated before, she’s decided to toss this aside in the name of national television. She then brings us to tears when she tells Ben that she is ‘defs ready to marry a man who is 17 years old and has met her children for 6 minutes.
*Remember cardinal rule of men who are near children are perfect future-fathers, thus Amanda is making the most educated and right call
I’m 97% sure that’s what she said – the Kardashian-bored-robotic-vibes of her voice sometimes make me doze off – but yeah… pretty sure that was it.
Twin seals her own fate when she tries to make words happen with Ben’s parents. Emily is as giddy as a school girl when she sets off with B to meet the parents, not knowing what this fateful day would bring her. How was she to know that Ben’s mother would fall asleep while she seriously expressed her desire for a future in professional cheer-leading? How was she to know that Ben’s father would sink into a coma when the meat of their conversation boiled down to ‘I like movies and I don’t like vegetables’? How was she to know that Ben would care what his parents thought about her!? Let’s just say Em’s one-on-one ended up with a brisk dumping and her sobbing as she lay swaddled, in her best friends’ arms.
What we take away:
💡Becca will never find love. After Ben sends her home – she comes to this realization and wonders why she keeps doing this to herself… But then she remembers: the fame, publicity, hot guys and extravagant lifestyle.
💡DO NOT WASTE TIME IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN FINDING THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN – instead – go to a mall, find a man who walks by a child and get married in Vegas.