The Bachelor knocks it out of the park with the most deceiving episode to date. Here we are, the captive audience, eagerly awaiting the drama, the tears and the crazy that the promos promise us (which we deserve) – only to be let down by a relatively low-key and ‘normal’ hometown episode. I mean, what the heck Bachelor? Why am I watching this show? Certainly not to watch typical, average behavior. This episode gives us a peak into the four hometowns (The Single Mom, One-Of-The-Laurens, The Sex Panther and… JoJo). The episode opens up in Laguna Beach with Amanda and Ben. Ben wears short shorts and Amanda wears a parachute draped around her arms. This very practical top puts on a show by falling off her breasts every 4 seconds. Amanda’s kids come to meet Ben and Amanda’s uterus decides Ben is The One. After meeting the parents, the two love birds put the kiddies down by reading them a messed up story about a man and 28 women who try and get it on. Rough stuff for kids? Maybe. Something for them to aspire to? Most definitely.
Next up on the love tour – Portland, Oregon. Lauren B welcomes B into her world and intelligently feeds him delicious food right away (classic conditioning tactics – he will associate delicious eats with Lauren – next logical step is marriage). They go to a whiskey library (actually amazing), look into each other’s eyes and then leave their full, untouched whiskey drinks to go visit her folks (actually preposterous – do they KNOW there are children starving in Africa!?). At LoLo’s parents house (ohhhh yes – family calls her LoLo) her sister hardballs Benjamin and demands he tell her what makes lil’LoLo different from the other girls. Ben freezes when he forgets what ‘Lauren’ he’s ended up with and starts bawling. Sister responds in classic maternal way, ‘AWWESSSSS’ and cradles him tenderly. High-fives to Ben for avoiding the question completely.
Caila’s hometown date takes Ben to Hudson, Ohio. Here, Ben and Caila sit on a bench, build their plastic and primary color dream house (every Barbie’s dream), Ben is advised on how much fun Filipinos are to have in your family and Ben and Caila win the life-competition for using the word ‘real’ a whopping 1 million times. NOTHING is more real than Caila and her relationship with Ben. LITERALLY nothing.
JoJo puts on a Soap-Opera worthy performance when she receives a note and flowers which she ‘assumes’ (eye-roll) are from Ben. After she delivers her dramatic line “No, NO, NO, NO! I DON’T WANT TO READ THIS – THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO READ!”, we find out they are from her cheeky ex-lover who informs her that since she is now famous and looks super pretty on TV, he is a changed man ready for love. JoJo uses this great material to sob into Ben’s shoulder and thus they ‘grow together as a couple’. Adorable. At JoJo’s home – Ben is instantly cock-blocked by her brothers. Turns out they aren’t convinced that two reality TV show dates don’t equal a happily ever after. Good thing Ben is able to wipe away all doubts when he assures them he has no idea if he will make JoJo happy BUT he DOES know that they will have some good conversations. Phew* good save B. Meanwhile, JoJo is unsure if her mother is happy or sad for her (it’s not Mom’s fault the plastic surgery left her with one facial expression) but she is given a confidence boost when Mom assures her that she will NEVER get hurt by a man because she is so beautiful. If there is one thing we can take away from this empowering show – it should be this.
And of course the shocker – when Amanda is voted off the island. Defs was counting on her being kicked off NEXT week.
What we take away:
💡JoJo’s brother is the new Sex Panther.
💡If you are a single Mom – you will get voted off the Bachelor.
💡Filipinos have more fun.