The Bachelor: S20 E09


 

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The Overview:

At last! We have arrived at THE episode exploding with sexual tension, awkwardness, and awfulness! Two words: Fantasy Suites. The setting for this tortuous week? The tropical land of Jamaica. Ben can’t wait to get this week underway and he let’s everyone watching at home know that he is so excited to do romantic things this weekend. Now given his tender years and three nipple hairs, we assume he doesn’t know about the birds and the bees and must be referring to some hard-core hand-holding.

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First up on the ‘how well does she sleep-over’ test-drive is Caila-Perma-Smiles. Ben has no doubts that Caila will make a great wife but when she is less than a carbonated, bubbly, laughing imbecile during their raft ride – he has doubts. They try some small talk but it turns out Caila might actually feel bothered about her future husband taking two other ladies for a spin the same week they go ‘all the way’. Which is clearly selfish of her. Our poor Bachelor is fraught with frustration as he starts to realize if Caila’s ‘stuck in her head’ tonight it will affect their relationship – relationscough* – allthesexcough*. Caila tries to clear the air by expressing her emotions and tells Ben she loves him. Ben breathes deeply into her face and she knows he loves her too. Amazing. Some people know with just a look, some people know because the invest time and energy into effective communication… But the real winners know when they are wafted with foul breath. These winners then perform the most uncomfortable and solemn of walks over to the bed – where they definitely lay, fully clothed, all night long.

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The Highlight:

Ben meets up with Lauren after his evening with the Sex Panther and surprises her with a bucket of the smallest, babiest sea turtles in the world. Because she has both a brain and lady parts, it is at this moment that Lauren B knows Ben is the man for her. After she tells him how she is ready ‘to DO us’, put her walls down and really open up to Ben (she really can’t get that fantasy suite out of her mind) – she tell him she loves him. Ben shocks the world when he confesses his love back to LoLo. Lauren, believing she has just won the show, makes winner’s love with Ben and books a non-refundable wedding venue with matching dress, online. Mistake? Only time will tell.

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Last up on Benny’s roster is JoJo. Together they jump into a waterfall of love, and JoJo realizes that Ben is her forever-boo. She too reveals her love for Ben and he stops her heart when he reciprocates her loving feelings. After she is resuscitated, she can’t wipe off the smug look of a girl who has bagged her man on national television. “NO JOJO NO! YOU POOR WENCH – YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY GIRL HE FAVOURS – YOU FOOL!” We scream at the screen – but she doesn’t hear us. JoJo spends the rest of the date believing she is special (hahahahaha) and that she is leaps and bounds ahead of her competitors… If only she knew.

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The Drama:

When the producers tell Caila, “You and Ben totally clicked – defs go surprise him girlfrieeeeeeeend! You WON’T regret it!!”. She surprises him. He dumps her. She regrets it… Caila is a puddle of sad until she grows spontaneous balls and calls our Bachelor out on using her when he knew he wanted to dump her. She’s looking large and in charge… That is until our man of the hour looks at her with his eyes and assures her he wouldn’t have done the sex with her if he had known that he hated her. And with that – she morphs back into a sad, self-loathing bachelorette and realizes that she is undesirable and will never find love. Sigh* and all is right with the world.

What we take away:

💡Fantasy Suite week is straight-up crazy making.

💡Breathe on people you love.

💡If your attitude jeaprodizes your partners sexual joy – you are leaving Jamaica.

 

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