The Bachelor has almost completed his journey to find love. He has ended up with Lauren and JoJo – and must pick the bestest one. Ben is struggling with this and it becomes clear that he doesn’t know how to make big boy decisions (which we will not judge as he is only 7). Benny takes our breath away rocking double blue-on-blue when he goes crying to his parents for help. He parades his chicks around in front of Mom and Dad just so they can get a look at the goods. Lauren confesses that she thinks life is super cute with Ben and they have never had a difficult moment in their super long relationship and isn’t that like, totes amazing!? Ben and Lauren then display the most robotic and uncomfortable body language until he chucks her into the car and sends her on her way. JoJo kills it during her ‘meet the parents’, brings it home with her one-on-ones with the parents and exudes mad chemistry with Benjamin. Dad gives Ben the thumbs up and Mom assures Ben they will not hate whomever he chooses.
Moving on to the final one-on-one dates…
There are bikinis
Lauren and Ben’s relationship is too perfect
They all cry the entire time
JoJo asks the tough questions
Ben receives an award for saying the most things while saying nothing at all
Ben makes confessions in the bathroom
The women are worried that the Bachelor might have feelings for the other woman
We all face-palm
Mama Higgins. Mama H apparently scored all the grey stuff between the ears in the Higgins fam and whips it out when her struggling son comes to whine about loving two women equally. Mama’s blank and disparaging looks into the camera as she uses her brain when assessing her baby’s troubles are like breaths of fresh air. First, Mama H tells Ben ‘no, he cannot join a cult to marry two women. NO! Not even to boost ratings’. Then, she pulls out Ben’s magic markers and literally spells out the words ‘disturbing’, ‘concerning’, ‘man-baby’, ‘seek-help-now’ (edited out of the aired episode). Mama H was then given a cool million to put aside her intelligent thoughts and end the day with a smile. Classic Bachelor.
When Ben has no idea who he is going to marry… until he picks up the ring, plays a quick game of eenie-meenie-minie-mo in his head andgoeswiththeblondejusttobesafe.
When Ben dumps JoJo, packs her into the limo and puts her mind at ease with encouraging phrases such as “I still love you”, “my feelings haven’t changed” and the like – making it incredibly obvious that he has zero feelings for her and that he is beyond confident in his choice of a life partner. Lord knows Lauren will be comforted when she watches that back. Wouldn’t you be?
What we take away:
💡The producers on this show are evil asses who delight in emotional manipulation and torture. How many times did YOU ping-pong between JoJo or Lauren for the win?
💡We can’t wait for The Bachelorette to take on yet another whirlwind of competing for attention, helicopters x 86, and of course… true love.