The 4 Simple Steps To Gardening

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Gardening can be a tricky, tedious business. It can be stressful – when is the right time to plant? How much space does each plant need? Where is the optimal garden site? A lot of sun? No sun? What tools do I need? Do my parents own these tools? Because I sure as heck don’t own them. What do gardeners wear? I personally have always been seized with dread and anxiety at the thought of gardening/tending plants outside of my home (my inside plants are torture enough). It’s such a quaint idea but the thought of bringing it to fruition (plant jokes) just makes me tired (I’m inspiring, no?). For years have I thought gardening an impossible, miserable, wretched task – that is until gardening experts, Lauren and Carmen, revealed their flawless and professional techniques. I was so energized by my experience with them – I couldn’t not share their simple steps to making the perfect garden plot.

1. Spend the morning ‘planning’. This is approximately 6-7 hours spent indoors, strolling around various area rugs to see which size will be most desirable for a garden plot, committing 2-3 hours to vigorous YouTube watching – focusing primarily on cucumber growth (note: although a professional will commit 2-3 hours, a beginner should start with 4-5 hours), gather up the one tool you own, find the perfect-yet-rugged-gardening-chic outfit and drive to your Mom’s house to get the grown-up tools.

2. Upon arrival at Mom’s house – realize how comfortable her armchairs are. Always take advantage of comfortable arm chairs. Spend 3-4 hours at Mom’s house – chatting with family, eating Mom’s food, discussing renovations, plastic surgeries – anything to keep your mind off of gardening (any pro will tell you it’s important not to let thoughts of gardening consume you). When it begins to get dark, all the food is gone and you Mom politely asks you to leave, you will know it’s time to garden!


3. Choose your garden plot! Although you spent 6-7 hours planning out exactly how big this space will be and where it will go – you throw this to the wind and make it up as you go along! As a garden professional, you have cleverly taken advantage of ‘Garden Hounds’, specialized service dogs that are trained to garden as puppies (chosen for their capable paws and general enthusiasm for the outdoors).



4. You finish your plot! You have worked hard and deserve many days off. You leave the hundreds of pounds of excess grass/roots/soil  for your husbands to deal with. You just made a garden plot for crying out loud. You will feed a nation with your future bounty. You pour yourself a drink and dream about your vegetables. You don’t know when you’ll actually get to planting… but you pat yourself on the back anyways. You are officially a gardener.



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