1. Develop shingles a few days prior to leaving on your near month long , romantic, European excursion you have been thinking about for years. Growl in dispair as you move aside your lingerie for pills, salves and numbing creams. You think briefly – ‘lidocaine could be sexy…’ And then shake your head as you admit the truth. Lidocaine will never be sexy.
2. Ensure that your flight is delayed by at least two hours so that you will miss your connecting flight. This adds spice, vigour and a healthy dose of cortisol (which brings a glow to the cheeks).
* Bonus points if you spend an hour rearranging your flights and get to the airport and are told their system shows no sign of updates.
3. Make sure you look ‘off’ enough to get selected for random body scans. Something about you needs to raise eyebrows. Demand to be patted down by hand… And then shriek a reminder to ‘mind the under-breast region’ (shingles) as you are getting said pat-down.
4. If you are REALLY planning ahead – you will do yourself a favour and get into a car accident prior to your trip. This unresolved, physical discomfort will ensure that you sleep a maximum of 53 minutes on your 9 hour flight (which is optimal for your appearance, your health in general and your interactions with your loveable spouse).
5. Drink terrible plane wine (Ummm why? Because it’s free. That’s why.) and get a whopping case of acid reflux in your chest. There is something so authentic and character building about suffering from severe chest pain for 4+ hours.