I recently stumbled across an air-tight article that told me how much sex I should be having as a 28-year-old. I have to admit, this came in the nick-of-time. There I was, living my life and feeling at peace with my current level of sexual activity – completely oblivious to what was actually NORMAL (medically speaking) for my age range.
How could I have been so naive? True, I am JUST a woman and don’t know a lot of things – but I really thought I was in touch with what I needed to be satisfied and content… Nope. Wrong again, me (you adorable, idiotic fool).
To have the audacity to THINK that 3 days between sex was permit-able? HAHAHA – for Monks maybe!
You haven’t had sex for 2 weeks? You chat with the counselor you are obviously seeing about that one, honey (insert concerned/judgey eyebrows).
You haven’t had sex for 3+ weeks? You better be in a coma or have had your vagina sealed shut in a horrific accident – because that’s insane.
This article was an eye-opener and really inspired me to share a few solid pointers of my own to help myself and other lost souls get their sexual game back on track.
Here are some key tips to get your intercourse numbers to where the scientists wants them to be…
Tip 1: Always Be In The Mood.
I mean, it really is THAT simple. Oh, you’re ‘tired’? Not ‘feeling it’? Just ‘gave birth’? You just ‘projectile vomited’? You just had ‘open-heart surgery’? Pfffttttt. A likely story. Lame excuses for lame people. ACT YOUR AGE AND HAVE SEX THE REQUIRED 2.8 TIMES A DAY.
Tip 2: It Is All Your Fault.
Just remember – if things aren’t ‘happening’, always blame yourself. Did you forget to wax? Do you smell like a field of roses? Are you attractive today? Are you desirable? Do you look sexy enough? Are you coming on too strong? Are those love handles under control? Are you working out enough? Did you say something wrong? What IS wrong with you? Spoiler: Everything. Everything is wrong with you.
Tip 3: Silence And Sacrifices – this is the key to a healthy and successful sexual relationship.
WHATEEEEEVER you do – don’t try to get what you need. Do not offer direction, opinions, insight or – GASP *whispers* TIPS. Focus all energies on the other person. Just because you are supposed to have sex 2.8 times a day doesn’t mean you get to enjoy it. If you focus on your own satisfaction, this could be time consuming. You gotta bang these out quickly. Remember: quantity over quality.
Tip 4: Look The Part
Would you want to have sex with you? Sex appeal is a full-time job without vacations. Be perfect. Burn your comfort wear, stop looking like a pile of garbage and become the wet dream you were destined to be.
Tip 5: Lie
This tip is last, because you should really be focusing your energies on the first four. That being said, let’s get real. You will never be normal. You will never be in the average 2.8 crew. Definitely spend your life trying to be – but come on. Due to the embarrassing fact that you are sexually struggling, it is crucial that you are not honest about your sexual issues or experiences with others. Keep in mind, everyone else is having perfect sex (4.5 + times a day) and you will never compare. But, if you practice hard and put up a good front – no one will see what a train-wreck you truly are.
I hope this post has been as helpful and encouraging for you as ALL sex advice articles & tips for women by men have been for me over the years!
Always remember kids – whatever YOU think is normal – isn’t!
Film: Stepford Wives
Literature: Cosmo Magazine (focus primarily on the articles ‘Just Be Better: The Winners Guide to Pleasing Your Man’ and ‘”What’s Wrong With Your Body?” The First 50 Reasons Why You Are Still Single’)
Self Help Classes: ‘458 Ways To Get Him Off In A Single Day’ – The Beginners Workshop for partners who care. *** Must hold Beginners Certification before enrolling in the Intermediate Workshop, ‘806 Positions To Make Him Scream – Without Even Touching Him’.
Photo Credit: Ella Haus Photography