The Perfect Birth Plan

With the impending ‘expulsion of baby’ looming before me – I thought it was high time I put together a concrete, realistic and achievable birth plan. Being new to the world of baby birthing, I took to the inter-web to guide me in the putting together of this document.


1. Will you have a labor coach? Who will it be (can your husband handle, or are you better off designating Mom)?

‘Labor coach’? I personally take child birth very seriously and trust only those who make millions of dollars coaching people. After 38 letters, one restraining order and two uncomfortable ‘stalking’ incidents (turns out we have very different opinions regarding the definition of stalking), I am comforted by the fact that New England Patriot’s coach, Bill Belichick, has agreed to guide me along through this special process. ‘Labor coach’. Puleese.

2. Who do you want or (sometimes more importantly) don’t you want in the delivery room? Any special instructions (everyone stays north of your belly button, for example)?

Oh gosh, such a GREAT question – where do I start? I always envisioned Michael Jackson serenading me through my labor – with him out of the picture, I think I’m fairly flexible on any/all celebrity appearances.

3. Will someone be taking photos or videotaping?

The birth will be live streamed – also, be sure to check out my instastories for all the magical action #viralbirth.

4. Do you want anything special in the room, like a labor playlist on your iPod?

Once again, I really hope some of these questions are jokes… iPod? Do you hate your unborn child? The 6 piece string quartet will be arriving at the hospital to warm up prior to me arriving and upon my arrival, they will ‘narrate’ the birth with song.

5. Would you like to move around during labor?

Absolutely. My team will be installing aerial silks in the ceiling to ensure that I can utilize my aerial contortion pain management techniques throughout labor and delivery. My partner and I enrolled in the ‘Birth: It’s A Circus’ institute immediately after conception. DM for details.

6. Will you want pain-relieving meds ASAP, or are you adamant about trying a drug-free birth?

I don’t intend to feel pain during labor and birthing. I have one tattoo and it was fine thanks to the life-changing self-help book, ‘Pain – Why Bother?’. So drugs will be unnecessary.

7. How do you feel about being induced?

Let’s see… How would anyone feel about betraying their body and not allowing Mother Nature to take her course? I’m 5 weeks overdue? Well then that’s because my baby is socially immature and is not emotionally ready for this world. I’ve carried the baby as long as an elephant? Well last time I checked, elephants are majestic beings and are never induced. So…

8. At what point or under what circumstances would your doctor perform a C-section?

 We have decided to go the Witch Doctor route and have a midwife tend to us during delivery. This avoids all chances of C-section (I’ve done my research). Something about the voodoo they perform… So there will be zero points and zero circumstances that a c-section happens. It’s such a relief not to give it a second thought.
 9. Do you want Dad to cut the umbilical cord?

I asked – but he said my husband should probably do it.

10. When will baby’s first feeding occur?

He is going to have to cool it until I am showered, refreshed, glowing and made up for our ‘first moments’ photoshoot. I don’t foresee an issue with this as I expect my children to respect their parent’s requests.

11. Will baby sleep with you or in the nursery?

The baby will sleep with the dogs… because there’s a sliding door… that cancels noise. This is what all parents do, no?

12. If it’s a boy, will you have him circumcised? If so, when?

Definitely, yes. When he is 19. We intend to invite the whole family over and celebrate his adulthood with the docking of his penis. It makes me emotional just thinking about how special it will be. I just want to ensure that he is involved in the process.


Slightly more accurately – we are inclined to rough birthing ‘guidelines’ rather than a concrete ‘plan’. We’ve lined up with a midwife (Bloom Community Midwives – Vancouver – amazing), we’ve hired a doula (nothing like that objective, knowledgeable third party) and we’re planning on delivering at BC Women’s Hospital. I’m going to try birthing sans pain meds – I’m also more then comfortable to holler for meds if/when I hit a wall. Minimal medical intervention is preferred – but I am aware that all sorts of interventions may be necessary for healthy delivery. We have a ‘perfect scenario’ (where I just gently birth the child while I sleep) and we have an open mind when it comes to what the actual process might look like. If we could choose: Preference 1 – Healthy Momma and Babe. Preference 2 – Kev remains conscious through it all.



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