Well – the newest season of The Bachelor has sucked us in once again. Nick Viall is BACK… Again… But this time, it’s to find TRUE love (for real like actually guys – like – he might only try a couple more times after this… So buckle up).
Episode 2: The Sum Up
The Group Date
Our scintillating episode starts off with a group date – an bridesmaid/bridal photo shoot where the girls fight for the ‘best chemistry’ award (no, not the smart, sciencey kind – the ‘how many bachelorettes can Nick kiss at once’ kind).
Corinne (WHORUNSABILLIONDOLLARCOMPANYWITHONLYATINYBITOFHELPFROMHERNANNYGOSH!) is incredibly moved by this challenge and thinks long and hard about how to make Nick see her as marriage material. After much deliberation, a pros and cons list and a long distance call to her nanny – forcing him to grab her naked breasts for a photo opp seemed like the sure fire way to go. This works, the photographer is aroused and picks her as the winner. Corinne thanks her Nanny, her father’s company (for providing her breasts) and of course, her breasts themselves, for being winners.
They then retreat to the after party where Corinne – high off her award winning boobs – gets mad wasted. This is always promising and we, the audience, sit back and watch as she:
- ‘Borrows/steals/commandeers/kidnaps’ Nick after every other gal’s turn with him.
- Starts referring to herself in third person (we all know what this means… badshitcrazy is soon to follow)
- Has a throw-down with Taylor when Taylor REEEEE-INTERUPTS Corinne’s 27th snuggle with Nick. DAMNIT TAYLOR! Don’t you know ANYTHING!? Always let the inebriated, slurring, topless girls have their way with the man you both love.
- Wins the rose of the night (wait, what, how? – oh right – boobs). Well played producers, well played.
The One On One
Nick whisks Danielle away on a helicopter/yacht/dinner date bachelor special. He suffers from amnesia and keeps commenting how he ‘doesn’t do stuff like this every day’ – forgetting entirely that he lives on The Bachelor set. This WILDLY dull date consists of Danielle and Nick having so much hypothetical fun, they had no words to describe it. I also have no words to describe it – it was for reals that boring.
The Group Date
The remaining girls SCREAMMMMMMM ‘OHMYGAWDITSNICK’ (as though a man has never showed up for a date, like, ever – poor sweet babies) as they arrive at their ‘Broken Relationships’ group date (foreshadowing?). The girls take turns breaking up with Nicky (how disappointed WERE WE to find out ‘the slap’ was pretend? I almost stopped watching then and there – but I persevered) and Liz gets cray-cray. She unloads nine months of diary entries on Nick – explaining that he should have been a better man, dialing phone numbers is hard and chatting about their one-night-stand on national TV seemed like the logical step. This emotional, nonsensical dump makes Nick so attracted to Liz that he shoves her into an elevator and sends her home.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Take Aways:
- If you have sex with Nick Viall – there will be consequences.
- Even Nannies can run billion-dollar companies