Due to selfish Hawaiian get-aways, there has been a lull in the glorious reviews that are The Bachelor – but now that I’m miserable and not on vacation, let’s plunge right in.
Week 5: The Sum Up
The Cocktail Party Continued
After we were left with that incredible cliff-hanger from last week’s episode (I didn’t sleep a wink, wondering if Taylor or Corinne was the more emotionally mature imbecile on the show), we are dumped right back into the intellectual exchange between Cor-Cor and Tay-Tay. They argue for three hours about the concept of saying ‘hi’ and Corinne breaks it down real simple for Taylor:
Taylor has a stank face and she should feel alone and sad.
Taylor absorbs all of this with her stank face and spends the rest of night looking like her dog just died and she’s PISSEDDDDD about it. Corinne heroically whines to Nick about Taylor’s criminal traits in a series of slurs and slow blinks. Nick (thank-god) speaks ‘slammed-sorority-blonde’ and understands her perfectly. The ladies are all then made to freeze their asses off while they wait for the possibility of a flower/potential future/husband/fame/fortune. Two girls are sent home. I’m sure they had names.
The One On One
Out of all of the one on one dates I have seen, I was pleasantly surprised with the lack of eye rolls I experienced while watching. Rachel, thus far, appears to have a significant amount of grey matter between her ears and doesn’t laugh like a ninny every time Nick breathes. Snaps for Rachel. They danced their perfectly sculpted butts off in the streets and bars of New Orleans and sat down to – you guessed it – dinner. They conversed, it was chill and she got da rose. But enjoy Rach while you can folks, as I believe there is a box you need to tick if you are a male/female applying for The Bachelor/ette – indicating you understand that you have a career, a brain and life prospects outside of the show… and thus you will not win.
The Group Date
The group date consists of Nick packing all his ladies into a haunted house and chillaxing for the evening (can we say DREAM DATE!?!). Creepy caretaker ‘Boo’ gives them a tour, telling them all about ‘Mae’, the kid ghost who freaks if you touch her shit. Hollywood kills it in this episode as they make ghosty things happen while the ladies lose their damn minds. Danielle M gets the rose. Why? Nobody knows.
The Two On One
Cor and Tay are the lucky two on oners. Corinne dazzles us with her mind-bending name calling (Taylor = big, mean, swamp monster, bully, bitch, biggest bug of them all, she belongs with the bugs) and Taylor looks like she’s gonna start punching babies. They go to a voodoo ceremony, get eaten by bugs and have a card reading. Nick makes out with Corinne every time she starts talking and finally just gives her the rose (sending Taylor home) because the thought of having a full-time nanny and a share in a trillion/billion dollar company is appealing enough to keep her around (oh, and also, the whole white girl/mostly/always a winner thing…). Corinne and Nick boat off into the sunset, leaving Taylor to get eaten alive by alligators. Turns out, Taylor uses her head hair, some voodoo dolls and three alligators to raft her way back to The Bachelor set and we are JUST about the challenges of that, when the show comes to a dramatic end.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Take Aways:
- If you have a stank face AND are the biggest bug of them all – and I do mean – OF THEM ALL, you ain’t getting the rose gurl. Nick got no time fo BUGS.
- Emotionally intelligent and mature do NOT mean the same thing.