1. WE ARE GONNA MAKE A BABYYYY – SEXY, SEXY, SEXY TIMMMEEEEEE! THIS WILL BE SO MUCH FUN AND EASY! WOOOHOOOOOOOO!
2. I’mmmmm sorry – my odds for getting pregnant each month are what?! 9,000,000,000 to 1? As in – the whole ‘if you don’t use protection ALWAYS – YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AT THE DROP OF A HAT’ mantra hammered into young ladies’ heads throughout adolescence… is… crap? All I have is a 3 minute window per month to make a baby? You’ve gotta be kidding me…
3. OMG I’M PREGNANT! SOOOO MANY FEELINGS! I’M GLOWING! I’M EXCITED! TERRIFIED! THIS WAS A MISTAKE! NO IT WASN’T – WE LOVE EACH OTHER! WE ARE AMAZING! WE MADE A BABY! WE ARE SO IN LOVE! THIS WILL BE THE BEST!
4. I am a mother now. I will practice being maternal daily. I will exude joy, thankfulness, patience, kindness and love… all day long.
5. Hey there, hey. What’s up? You can probably tell just by looking at me but… have you heard? I’M A GODDESS! I AM BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL, SEXY AND A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. LOOK OUT WORLD – YOU CAN’T KEEP THIS SENSUAL BEING DOWN!
6. … Unless I feel nauseous – that might keep me down.
7. Thank GAWD nausea never gets in the way of judging others. It honestly blowssss my mind how SOME people parent. I mean, yeah, ‘you do you’ and whatever – but like, I will NEVER do that with my children. Just say’in.
8. You mean I have to buy things? Like… baby things? Lots of things… for the doll-sized person that is about to join our family? You’re telling me I’m going to have to spend hours fondling baby booties, picking out onesies, selecting furniture and creating a nursery? Well shit, that sounds terrible…
9. No, no, please, by all means tell me again how you don’t think we should find out the sex of our child before it’s born because it ‘ruins the surprise’.
10. Babe, that’s hilarious that you ‘forgot’ to grab me snacks – but I swear to god if you don’t ‘remember’ next time – I will torch your car. Totally try me on this one. I dare you.
11. I’m not crying – YOU’RE CRYING. Only a monster WOULDN’T get emotional with how all those baby puppies are sleeping together in that video! Sob* It’s the littlest dog pile ever.
12. The ‘miracle that is life’ mentioned: the glow, the sentimental emotions, the gentle changing of your body, the anticipation, the joy, the nesting, and maybe some water weight. Failed to mention: the hemorrhoids, sacrum and pubic pain, regurgitating everything in your stomach, the mental exhaustion, the anxiety and the feeling entirely pathetic as you exhaust yourself moving from one end of the room to the other.
13. Last. Day. Of. Work.
14. I am a million months pregnant. I am so unfathomably uncomfortable right now – all I want to do is endure childbirth. Please. I’m begging you.
15. LISTEN UP KID – We’ve all decided you will be born at 37 weeks – on the nose. Don’t you even DARE entertain the idea of being overdue. DON’TEVENTHINKABOUTIT!