Seeking: Best Friend For Gifted Child

Position:

Best Friend/Life Companion for Gifted Child

Duties/Responsibilities:

– Be in close proximity to a gifted child at all times (we realize this can be discouraging for those not as gifted – but we hope the successful applicant will be inspired!)

– Talk to child about everyday experiences (examples include: eating organic food, going vegetarian for a year, buying local, college applications, etc)

– Laugh at gifted child’s jokes (like when he looks at you – AH! Hilarious! His wit is unstoppable)

– Participate in very gifted adventures – such as ‘going in the backyard’ and ‘sitting in coffee shop’ or ‘let Mom put on shoes’ (please do not apply if you have no experience in these areas)

– Sing multicultural, gender neutral, free-range, ‘beige’ songs (song books provided upon request – although I sincerely hope the successful applicant knows at least twenty-five of these songs)

Skills/Qualifications:

– Must already be born (this isn’t daycare – we aren’t adding you to our list if you haven’t entered the world yet)

– Must have education from a reputable institute in irrational emotional outbursts, roombas, the emptying of dog water bowls, and whining for no apparent reason

– Must enjoy: tub time, spaghetti in nostrils, dismantling potted plants, moving quickly towards everything indicated ‘unsafe’ and escaping caregivers mid diaper-change

– Must have an eye for fashion – it is very important that our gifted child is seen only with others who will maintain or up his status (you can never be too careful with these things – those daycare applications are brutal!). **Please do not apply if you do not own a wool coat or a vintage fisherman’s sweater

Benefits:

– The giftedness might rub off on you (unlikely – but never give up hope)

– Snacks are provided throughout the day (kale, parsnips and dried rosemary are our ‘power foods’)

– Full dental/medical provided after probation has been completed (please note: if you are ever sick or unable to attend your work due to medical or dental reasons – you will be immediately let go – only the healthiest of friends are permitted in this household)

We are so looking forward to interviewing you!

Cheers!

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